1. |
60 Days
06:27
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The sun rises in Sacramento
A flashback replays to that awful day
The sun rises through the window
The green walls of Arden-Arcade are all that remain
The pavement causes blisters
The AC doesn't change the sweat and decay
Of what little food is left
To my dismay, the fridge still hasn't been fixed today
The anxiety of eviction looms all day
60 Days, 60 Days, 60 Days
I don't want to go back to that place
I can't once again live without a face
I don't want to be erased
All I can do is read webcomics all day as I waste away
I don't wanna watch it all crumbling down
I just can't do this today
I can't even get up to hurt myself now
I'm lost, without a doubt
Certainty is something I can't live without
Everywhere I go, I'm reminded that I will never exist
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2. |
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Every now and then, I see a ghost
A harsh reminder of the ones I used to know
I siren song that lures me in with guilt
A harsh reminder of the walls I've built
I find myself resisting the urge to reach out
They either fucked me over or I freaked them out
If we reconnected, what would we talk about?
Are they really someone I can't live without?
I've made mistakes that haunt me almost every day
I wish I could ask if you're okay
If I wasn't a freak, we'd still be friends today
But you're one of the few that knows I'm a disgrace
Your new account popped up on my feed today
Do people know you're a beacon of hate?
I'm likely not in the right by asking such a question
I hate myself for knowing that we shouldn't get in touch again
I don't know how much I've changed since then
It puts into perspective how much progress there has been
Most of you are unlikely to care
I swear I need to shut the fuck up
I don't know where I have been that makes me think that I've improved in the end
Most of you won't remember who I am
I swear I need to shut the fuck up
Shut it down
How will I know when it ends?
Will I ever stop hurting my friends?
Most of you will never be seen again
I swear I need to shut the fuck up
Why won't I shut the fuck up?
How do I ignore the bad weather?
Who do I look forward to for the better?
With most of you, the guilt just makes me scared
I need to shut the fuck up
I'm sorry to frustrate you
I'm not sure if I have the energy to cut you off properly
I can't deal with these loose ends
Please come back again
I'm sorry to frustrate you
It won't be long, let me be clear
And I don't know if you'd wanna hear
All the ways that I could say
For a moment please just stay
I can't escape the endless fog Outside my room
I wanna file a restraining order on myself
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3. |
Tired
05:58
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There's a house, it's full of empty faces
And you wish they'd just ignore you
All the days, the heat and screaming, renders you unsure what to do
Must hide, must hide
I don't know where to go but I can't stay here
I can't leave the room and I have to lay low, keep my voice down
I sometimes fear the ones I'm trapped with and the people who are over all the time
Must hide
Moving walls that make conversation with progress never in sight
Must hide
I wish I could talk to you but I've tried and you won't listen
Why are you like this
You hate yourself as much as you think I hate you
And would much rather wallow than face it
Now I know where I got my self hatred
And why I had to change it
I know that I should feel shame
But I can't help but wonder where to go from here
I hate that I feel like I was made for no one but you, no one but you
Don't scream at your dog
It's lost its hearing and can't walk steady, oh
Don't scream at your dog
It hates itself already, hates itself already
What a poor decision you've made again
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4. |
Fasted
05:12
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Look in the mirror
Abnormal presence
Even in dormancy
It's always been there, hasn't it?
You can't even stare for more than thirty seconds
Hope you don't eat too much
Because you will regret it
Look at a scale to ground yourself
I've tried so hard not to hate myself
Does it come back, does it come back does it come back to this in the end
I can't say that I can look at myself in the same way
After even a single bite
I don't know why
But I feel the urge to skip it all this time
Why did I have to push it all on you?
Why
Why
Why
Why
I can't deny
That I once fasted for seven days
But why does this feel fake
Just because I didn't suffer the right way
I can't deny
That I once fasted for seven days
What would they all think
if I shouted from the rooftops my problem today
Would that be okay?
I can't deny
That I once fasted for seven days
Once in a while I still feel shame
Please let me just look down today
I can't deny
That I once shifted all the blame
Why is it all okay
When I hurt someone all the same
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5. |
Stay
06:56
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Brought back to the edge
Watching as your life decays
Why must it be this way
Sacrifical hope comes around to start the new day
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
Watching all the scenes replay
Burning as you turn away
Too overwhelmed to make a change
I was once in that place
Even if it wasn't exactly the same
Losing hope to tidal waves
Caused by myself, at least in my case
I know I can't get away
From the people I've disgraced
Debts forever unable to repay
Watching as the seasons change
You've been distant and I've been scared to check on you
You seem to admit you're in deep shit but you're to scared to
Claw your way out; you won't listen to politeness
But I don't to cause you to leave just because I'm tired of this
Change comes in phases
Some involving darker places
I hope you will find a way to light the room
It's overwhelming and I know it's something you're scared to do
It's out of my hands and now it's up to you
I know how it feels when doom is all you're used to
It's why I wanna be here for you
But please just promise you'll stay
Please just promise you'll stay
Come the fuck on
You said you wanted to change but that hasn't happened yet
I'm tired of seeing you making steps forward then losing all your progress
I don't like the complicated relationship we have
You can be toxic; please don't give me a reason to face that fact
At least you're getting better
At least, it seems as if you're getting better
Now all I ask is for you to stay this way
All I want for you to do is stay
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6. |
The Fog Outside
03:52
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7. |
Pax and Jude
06:30
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I don't think you can swim away every day
But I don't know what to do
Constantly at arm's weight, in decay
Hoping that I'll make sense of it soon
I don't know why you incinerate all order between you
I guess you've frayed away through and through
And I don't know if I truly have you
But maybe it was like this before I knew
Finding new pieces to pick up
That my peripheral vision just caught wind of
Role models pack their bags and leave home
And return a shell of what I used to know
Paranoid or thinking less, moved out of state for the best
But I can't say there's been tears; I can't deal with that
My childhood decays
As I realize things were never the way I thought they were in those days
You can't make me forgive the people who spat in my face
They have to take the fucking blame
To think I thought they were okay
Impossible to tell what will happen next
Dropping like flies
In a way that makes me determine
That I'll be alone, even ignoring the cunning distance
You cannot tell me that anyone could recover from this
Destined to never be taught these things
Plagued with new obstacles everyday
The train left months ago, and here I stay
Moving too goddamn slow anyway (x2)
Destined to never be taught these things
Plagued with new obstacles everyday
The train left months ago, and here I stay
Moving too goddamn slow for any chance of change
I'm nothing but a stray now
But I know that I'll find out
Where to go in my new feeling of hope on the ground
It should all be okay now
But I know that it's still too loud
To get my bearings on who we have all become now
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8. |
DROP THERAPY Sacramento, California
20 year old genderfluid musician. I do all kinds of stuff with other people, but this bandcamp page is mainly for all of my solo work.
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